Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
