Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
