Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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