i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
