Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
