Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
