Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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