he was CRYING into my vagina
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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