the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
