remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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