I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
