I think I died a long time ago.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
