i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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