Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
