Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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