my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
