apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
