I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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