I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
