gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
