I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
