Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
