I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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