my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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