Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
