I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
