My hair reeks of homosexuality.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
