He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I touched a dick in church today
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
