there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
