nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
