Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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