First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize