I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The air taste purple.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
