you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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