Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
