why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
