genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you win again, gameday.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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