I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
