At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
