I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
