Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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