Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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