i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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