well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
