Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
