Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
