i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You pole danced in your parka.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
