halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
