Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
