flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize