ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
