its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
