if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize