God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize