Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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