I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Even my vagina gasped.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
