If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
