pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
