I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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